This is why I don't do things.

I am a bloody mess.  Not bloody in the sense of cheeky British slang, but literally bloody with a trail of road rash from my knee down my leg, on my hip, and on my hands.  My friend has a more severe version of similar injuries.  He got his while trying to take a bike off a ramp.  I got mine while lightly jogging in my neighborhood, because that is how awesome I am. 

It would have been better if I hadn't been jogging in front of someone at the time. She managed to stop and not me over, but her audible gasp of concern was a little disheartening.  Nothing like trying to shake it off and finish a workout, even though your leg stings like crazy, and the more you sweat, the worse it gets.  Who's a brave little soldier?  I am, that's who.

This time, at least I have an excuse.  It was dark, and the sidewalk was lightly raised.  I clipped my toe on the sidewalk and down I went faster than a stereotypical sister of Alpha Chi Omega after a couple shots of Jaeger.  "OMG I NEVER DO THIS!  I AM SO WASTED!" 

The last time I fell when running was on a treadmill where I tripped over my own feet and then shot off the back like I was in a cartoon.  The last time I fell walking was only a couple of weeks ago.  Beer plus really tall shoes plus the kind of gawky normally reserved for a 2 minute old giraffe is bound to equal problems. 

Apparently, horizontal running only works for Fat Amy, because when I tried it sucked.  I had to drown my pain in over the counter painkillers and Coors Light, because my husband apparently thinks that if it's not gentle enough to wash you car, it's not real beer.  I should go back to being fat and awesome.  In all the time I spent sucking down raw brownie batter and watching Dawson's Creek on Netflix, not once did I wind up bleeding, not even in my soul, which is kind of amazing.

 

The worst part is that I am out of pants and had to wear a skirt today, and people keep sucking in air between their teeth and asking me what happened.  I am really struggling to keep up with the lies that make me sound slightly less idiotic than I am.  "I was attacked by two foot tall ninjas wielding cheese graters"  "My kids threatened me bodily harm if I left them with the sitter again.  This is what happened."  "Python bigger around than my leg" "Yeah, but you should see the other guy."