Staycation all I ever wanted.

This weekend my husband and I took the entire family to a local hotel/indoor water park for some summer fun.  Being as the kids are all gingers, the cost savings in sunblock alone covered the cost of the hotel, so it was worth the trip to see the kids enjoy themselves in a setting where they weren't likely to catch on fire like vampires back when vampires did that instead of just laying in fields and sparkling and listening to Muse and trying not to eat the local teenagers as a metaphor for teenage sexual abstinence. 

Walking into this place, the Prodigious Lupine Abode, is like entering the hot and sticky vinyl covered foyer of Satan's summer palace.  Every which way you turn, the walls are lined with places to spend money and each one of them is geared toward kids.  To make it through without having to spend a whole lot of money on something that is going to be at the bottom of a pile of donated toys in six months, you have get used to the idea of constantly and consistently beating down your child's every hope and dream.  The only thing that can possibly be a similar experience is opening up every cage and the pet store and kicking the puppies as you go.  "No, you can't have ice cream."  "No, you can't have a stuff it yourself version of a woodland character whose name you don't even know." "No, we don't need to do crafts." "No, you don't need a souvenir cup."  "No, you don't need to press a coin to remember this magical experience."  "No, you don't need an ice cream themed spa pedicure." "OMG FINE LET'S GO TO THE ARCADE!!! WOO!"  Just an amazing amount of money spending opportunity like what I imagine Las Vegas and Disneyland would be if they had a baby with a giant plastic squirrel.  I admire the ability of someone to plan this place as it took a keen understanding of child psychology and an enormous set of solid uranium balls.

The kids did seem to be genuinely thrilled when we walked into the hotel room to see the bunk beds and their own TV.  Winning!

And then, the party started.  We got changed and went to the water park.  As someone who, on a good day, shouldn't be allowed out of the house without a helmet, I have never thought, "Hey!  You know what would make rushing water and bathing suits and slick surfaces even better?  More adventure!"  Where's that motherfucking climbing net?!?!  A giant dumping bucket of water reminiscent of splash dance?!  HOLY SHIT!  YOU GOT IT BITCHES"  Tube slides taller than my office building!?  BRING THAT SHIT ON!  I am so wet right now.  No, literally, you get wet, and you just stay that way, because the humidity, regardless of what I am sure is a super bitchin HVAC, is about the same as a fucking tropical rainforest.

Overall:  A++, but I would never fucking do it again.