I love Netflix. I really do, but it is really fucking up my life. Oh, it was fun for the first few months. I experimented. Documentaries. Independent movies. Three part mini series on the life of Mark Twain. I felt edgy and intelligent. Not at all like the mess I have become.
We didn't have cable for a few years after we moved into our first house. That means we missed out on a lot of things like Mad Men and Lost and Arrested Development and Breaking Bad and Archer and basically anything that wasn't a Backyardigans DVD. Now, we are years behind on pop culture, because what I needed in my personal life is the embarrassment of walking into a room and being like, "HEY, ISN'T IT EXCITING WHAT JUST HAPPENED ON THAT SHOW TONIGHT THAT YOU TOTALLY SAW THREE YEARS AGO AND I AM JUST NOW GETTING AROUND TO? I MEAN MIND BLOWING, RIGHT?" I am never watching Lost, ever for that very reason.
It's the TV shows that get me. Seven seasons of Supernatural? Don't mind if I do. I have two weeks to blow. It's not like I need to clean or do my laundry or work on my nonexistent fitness level. Yeah, I can watch another one. Oh, hey friend, you say that every season of Ghost Whisperer is on Netflix? I can't wait to see that bitch's wild collection of pantaloons. Life doesn't need to go on. James would show up and be like, "Why is her husband living in the garage?" "Well her husband died and took over the body of some other guy and he doesn't really remember who she is because he thinks he's the architect who's body he took over and she totally lied and said he was refinishing her garage when he had his accident to keep his parents from coming to make them live with them and NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF HER NOT DAD HADN'T TRIED TO KILL HER NOW SHUT UP I AM TRYING TO WATCH."
Lately, the problem is Dawson's Creek. I never watched this show when it was on the first time. I was busy in like college or something. My biggest memory of it was that my college boyfriend freshman year was kind of obsessed with Katie Holmes. I see all these people and think about everything that has happened to them in the years since. Watching Michelle Williams and thinking that some day she is going to bang the Joker and have his baby before his untimely demise. It makes me sad, and I haven't even gotten to the part where her character dies. I wind up sitting in front of my tv eating brownie batter without any eggs in it* and weeping about where my Pacey was in high school and how this is JUST SO NINETIES AND THE SWEATERS! This is how people wind up on antidepressants.
*As a side note, the internet was the reason I know about this eggless batter trick. Apparently, the only thing stopping me from morbid obesity was the fear of salmonella poisoning. Eating brownie batter without any eggs is the culinary equivalent of banging a chick just because you have a condom. "Oh, you mean I won't get a body ravaging disease? Well shit, when you put it that way..." There is still the same amount of shame. The same thought that you're not meeting your personal standards. But either way, deed is done now. What are you going to do?
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